memories pt 1

[Sheila Barclay]

One of my first memories was trying to acquire free will, (or increase it for me and all people) because I was paranoid we were all cause and effect. I would do random things and change my mind right in the middle, or do things I "wouldn't choose".. I thought I could dislodge the cause and effect train and everyone would be free. I was about 4 and I remember linking an experience to this, when I would fall to the ground with the feeling of strings skreetching in my ears, it hurt a lot and lasted about a minute or so. I thought it was punishment from the Universe for this pattern of behavior and not following what I know now is synchronicity and listening and taking it in, interpreting truth, that dialogue of meant to be, not has to be. I always had a dialogue between myself and "Nothing" which was my concept of God when I learned that the space between particles was that. Edge of universe is all matter within universe. Anyway that habit of experimenting with strange behavior resulted in a lot of mistakes and bad karma. I wish I had fully realized what the Universe was telling me. But that is a real memory. Also a first memory is crying for hours for my mom in my cradle and not stopping when she finally held me because I was angry, and then stopping because I thought she would hurt me. Finding a dead blue jay under a tree. When my kindergarten bully who I would call on in the schoolyard to beat me up told me the story I shared in the library was good and never bullied me again and I missed her. The bug club I started in kindergarten where I would bring in all these plastic containers for the kids, I got bored and slightly overwhelmed with the routine so I quit the club and then the new girl leader said she would change it to the "ant club" when I was upset she stole my club lol.. My grandma getting me to retrieve objects from under her bed, her singing to me and me warming her feet cuddling. Her story of the poor matchstick girl and her grandmother she would tell. my cousin telling me we should just draw the jewelry and objects in my grandmother's room if we felt the need to steal. When my friend in improv class stole my idea and made it way better around the time I was losing my gift, seeing her word for word joke in a fav successful comedian's routine. other jokes in routines that make me wonder if a tape with us on it got to somewhere.. My childhood tape recorder memories made me wonder things too.. Playing what I thought was really cool music out of "my first tape recorder" the sony product, for the babysitter kids playing basketball. one of those kids always had silly putty and cool toys in his fanny pack.. me and him found broken shingles once by the house when we were waiting for the sitter to walk the other kids home and let us in.. we put twos of the "wishing rocks" together until one fit and we made a wish and then the sitter immediately appeared from around the bend and we looked at each other like oh my god is that what you wished lol. an older girl kid at the sitters making me play at 5 that i was the abused child of the home trying to call children's aid and then she comes around the corner angry lol

 

i found a rock a few days ago after being up all night. it was by the tracks and even reminded me of the one i found with my dad by the tracks when i was like 6 or 8... i remember him saying its time to go now and i begged him just give me a few more minutes i know im about to find the perfect rock. right when he was about to get really mad and it would have been too late i immediately found i swear to god a big chalky lime green and yellow zebra striped rock. i gave it to him and told him to remember i remember seeing it on my step dads desk tho or my dads and they actually might have each im almost sure had one of those roll top wood desks. but i know this rock existed it was in my life i saw it around. i must have taken it back from my dad to give to my step dad then it was just gone and my dad claims to not remember or just doesnt.... it looked like no naturally occuring rock and yet hard to imagine a person creating either yet natural.

 

when I wasn't buying food and there was nothing in the house to eat.. I had to work soon and I was lying on a dirty mattress feeling myself die.. watching the scuff marks on the wall floating and trying to touch eachother as though swimming against wind.. I tried to call my "friend" and leave a message that I thought I was dying. she later said she didn't listen to it thought I was just trying to get attention I guess. it was within months or weeks of seeing my own visualizations project through the tv. seemed like collaborative effort to express what I wanted to express. felt like dreaming on the tv and my roommate saw it too and thought it was profound. he was a desperate guy I was a desperate girl. if he wasn't such a creep and unable to understand I was gay if he wasn't verging on dangerous..(years later he pinned me down and spat in my face after walking around naked red and angrily expecting something) i was always avoided by normal people sought out by freaks and often passed up things that might have been a healthy medium. i missed the people i had already bonded with who had little time for me.. no one could replace them. i was into finding someone to be with romantically and i wasted time leaning on people i didn't want to because i wasn't able to maintain something healthy. i might make a post about how if i had held out longer for true love i wouldn't have missed the train of my person the first time. i would advise people to open their minds yet stick to their standards that matter most.. don't accept something that you less than love unless ur ready to sacrifice the capacity of your heart and chances at true love. don't take people on a ride. i owe this guy nothing. but he didn't deserve to be dangling from false hope. unrelated to the schizo related memories I'm trying to bring out now.. like the bus stop near that apartment.. i remember it was like 12am and i was trying to catch a bus and there was a grime puddle under a streetlamp that looked like a woman with my awkward body type and posture, clutching a pillow with her whole skeletal body.. recently after letting a miracle slip through my fingers.. i was looking for "god" through the rainy car window. a drop briefly held the form of an old man with a beard.. and then his face fell into a crying expression..